I recall now
how I bent over you, a swan neck curled around your fresh life
clucking mother sounds.
The brothers had come under fluorescent lights,
welcomed into the world by rubber gloves and hospital smells
you went from waters to water
your slippery self first touched by your father’s hands
in the middle of a Mexican August
in a suburb of a city
in the warm deep.
The drums and the dancing outside the building, a background song to our long work,
it was the celebration of the patron saint of that city
and you came amidst the noise and din
in that quiet pocket of our love.
When he handed you to me
the pearl blue cord curled around my leg and we were still attached
for a little while longer.
You practiced breathing air and I inspected your pink hands,
rose bud lips.
My “amen” a long and satisfied sigh…
Fifty months I would have you.
Fifty months to pack in a lifetime of love
To memorize you
and how you tilted your head back when you giggled
and told me Happy Birthday even when it wasn’t my birthday.
Twenty months of blonde curls and then that sweet bald head
and your little walk/run
and how you loved everyone you met as if you’d always loved them.
Oh to jump into one of your videos and just live that moment with you again.
This missing you is messy
and I am not brave like they say.
What else have I to do but face each day because He wills it.
But you my love, you are the brave one
You handled yourself so beautifully through it all.
Your bright illuminated light
still helps me see
in the dark