Spiders Revisited

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It seems fitting that they left too soon, the baby spiders. Phoebe, the boys and I watched their mother spin her beautiful gossamer egg sacks in the spring. I have watched them through my laundry room window through the fall and then on past Phoebe’s passing and into the winter. Each time I start a load of clothes or grab the broom from the laundry room, I look up to see if they are safe and intact, and they are. Until this week.

A warm blanket of sunshine broke through the chill of the former weeks and graced us with a 70 degree day. The spiders had their cue to hatch, break free of their cocoon and float away on the wind to find new homes and grow. So they left. Too soon.

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My heart was a little broken when I looked through the glass and saw the tattered egg sacks flapping in the wind. I half expected that somehow, some way, I would be there at just the right moment to watch them climb on tiny legs out into the sunlight and float away. Maybe I would go to turn the garden hose on at just the right time or peek out the window just as they began to emerge. It would be triumphant, a moment coming full circle. I would witness the fullness of the miracle that Phoebe and I had marveled at as it commenced. The boys and I would take pictures, I would post them on the blog and share the beauty of the moment.

I sighed to myself as I peered out the window and folded a towel, disappointed that I could no longer look forward to their emerging.

But then I saw it…

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A little piece of hope up in the corner. One remaining egg sack waiting to hatch in the spring.

And I thought of the sparrows,
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” ~Matthew 10:29-31

And the sparrows made me think of the ravens,
“Who provides the raven’s food when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?” ~ Job 38:41

And the spiders that left too soon made me think about Phoebe and how even departures are ordained. Who can thwart His good purpose in everything? I cannot see the over-arching good yet. In desperation I would trade it all to have her back.

But I see through a glass dimly. And this I know very well.

His infinite-ness and His intimate acquaintance with me; for even the hairs of my head are all numbered, make me know that He will heal and bind and that this all makes sense somehow and somewhere.
Who can understand the delicate balance that He keeps or why He allows what He allows? But I have seen His goodness in the land of the living and I have known Him in the deep waters where the only refuge is Him alone. And I remember the words of Job, “Shall we accept goodness from God and shall we not accept adversity?”

He is good. Yes, He has been good to me.

Sometimes that statement is a sacrifice of praise, and other times it is my heart song.
I hope the little spiders stay put until Spring and that I have the opportunity to watch their crowning, but if it isn’t to be, it was all a miracle anyway.

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

17 responses »

  1. I heard a song today and thought of Phoebe and your family, as well as other’s that have lost babies way too soon, and it was somewhat comforting. It was by Diamond Rio and the lyric said that God only cries for the living because it’s the living that are so far from home. But then there’s the song about Heaven being so far away, it’s sad we cannot visit. That wait until you see her again would be so hard. But thank you for sharing and continuing her blog, it makes it seem like she is closer, at least that is how it feels for me. You bring her back closer to us with her memories and your words. She had such an impact on so many lives an was such a special little girl, you are a blessing, because of you, we still have a link to her, especially those of us that didn’t know her in person, but that she still had such a profound affect upon. Thank you

  2. Simply beautiful Amey, we think about you guys everyday and not a night goes by that we don’t pray for all of you. My six year old said tonight “God, I hope Phoebe is doing good in heaven with you”… after our prayer I assured her that Phoebe was doing WAY more than good; she was immersed in His love and living a life that we can’t possible imagine in God’s amazing kingdom. I was overjoyed explaining to her how awesome Phoebe was doing, but of course I’m saddened as my heart still aches for your loss and I know it always will. I sure wish you could touch your precious girl, but know that her bright, illuminated light shines in all of our lives and through your words and memories. I LOVE it when you write and want you to know how much you have glorified God in doing so. I encourage you to continue and can’t say thank you enough for the lessons you have taught my family and the spiritual growth that has occurred as a result of your ministry. Much love to you and your family.

  3. James and I were just sharing our thoughts about healing – here on earth or ultimately, heaven. He fell asleep, I found your blog. Why? His purpose is all I know. I love your heart. I love how you minister even in your deep grief. I love how you change me by your wisdom and knowledge of God. I can’t imagine what you feel but I can feel His anointing in your writing. You will write a book! You will!

  4. our miracles are our little angels above. there are reminders of them everywhere around us. things we see. things we feel. things we hear. blessed be the beautiful sky. for when i look up i see the clouds and the heavens and little phoebe and our “B” playing happily with no pain and sending us those little ah ha moments to remind us they are still with us always in our hearts. bless you and your family. although we’ve never met i have followed your log when our little one started his fight as well. nothing is easy in this life. we can only rejoice in the time we had with our little ones and hope that one day, we will be reunited with our angels once again.

  5. I’m always looking forward for you posts. Phoebe, you and your family have bless and challenge my faith and walk. Se que el Señor tiene planes de bien para darles futuro y esperanza. (Isaias). Abrazos!

  6. Love your blogs Amey. Your words are beautiful & you are surely blessed from the Lord. It’s always good to hear from you so we can know how you are. I know I have grown to love you & your whole family. I can’t wait to meet you all one day & especially sweet Phoebe. Love & blessings, Elaine

  7. Amey,
    I hope everyone is well. I still think of you all every single day. Waiting for your blogs to pop up on my phone. Oh, we are so blesssed to have you here in this blog.
    Thank you for such beautiful words and writing. How much I need it today. I think God is wonderful for even I woke up today wondering of God plans for me and your blog clarified everything. So thank you.
    Your heart is always so good and pure and I hope we can all witness the miracle of their coming with you through pictures.
    Many blessings,

    Priscilla

  8. Amey you are inspiring to all whom you’ve never met. We, as a group, have followed your blog and Phoebelicious for over a year now. She is in a good place!
    Donna

  9. Amey, thank you once again for your inspiring words and open heart. I’m in full agreement with Kari’s comments above. You’re writing brings Phoebe’s “bright, illuminated light” into our lives and blesses us. Thank you also for the reminder, “Shall we accept goodness from God and shall we not accept adversity?” I needed this reminder today. Please keep posting and walking bravely as you Trust in His goodness. Sending hugs for you and your family.

  10. So intense yet so real, your analogy of the spiders and their birth. I’ve never thought of things the way I do now after following your blog and Phoebe’s message. You have changed me, along with so many by reaching out to us with thoughts of Phoebe. I see her picture everyday because she is still so much in my heart. Yes, I have changed for the better because of you and Phoebe, because you have made me aware of all the little things, the blessings God has given me and how much I love you and Phoebe and your boys. Thank you for continually opening our eyes to the world around us and letting us see through your eyes how God is a part of all things, even sadness and despair. You are so loved and appreciated, and Phoebe, well, she will never be forgotten in my life and many others. You are a blessing Amey, I thank God for you every day and your posts!

  11. Spiders!! ~how lovely to take something so many feel squemish about and help us to see the wonder and the beauty of God’s timing and His creation through the ‘least of these’. You are dearly loved, and eagerly looked for in many inboxes, Amey, as we continue to share in your journey.

  12. Thank you Amey for your stirring reflection on hope, God’s magnificence, and the wisdom which He sends you. And thanks too for sharing photos in so many of your writings, because they illustrate the beauty you see. Continued prayers for all of you, as He heals and binds your hearts. Love and hugs.

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