Six Months Later

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Six Months Later

My sweet Phoebe got her headstone today. On Saturday it will have been six months since I last held her in my arms.

-amey

I don’t even have the words to communicate what it feels like to see your little girls name and dates on a grave stone.

These profound and deepening levels of grief never cease to amaze me as God’s grace to bear it never ends.

Although it is a beautiful memorial to her short life on earth. I am so grateful for the assurence that Phoebe is not under that stone, but living life to the fullest.

-Nathan

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About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

17 responses »

  1. To dear Nathan, Amey, Benjamin, Averic, Deacon, and the newest Fair baby – Phoebe truly is not under that stone, only her cast off body is. For this sweet child to have said “I am not afraid” proves that the Lord sat with her and held her through all the difficult months. As much as you love her, He loves her infinitely more. He blessed you with this wonderful little girl – and he blessed her with you. Still praying for your comfort and peace of mind.

  2. Amen. Bless you and Phoebe for helping us all prepare to walk and run free and whole with God. The heart is so sweet. She is truly an angel.

  3. God Bless all of you. Phoebe lives on in so many ways. That sweet child, who I never met, brought me back to God when I felt he abandoned me. She is a special little girl and living a happy, healthy life with the angels. She is loved by so many, me included.

  4. Dearest Amey, Nathan & Children, I cannot imagine the many feelings & emotions all of you must go through every single day with the loss of your little Phoebe here on earth. What a blessing for all of you to have our Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ with you to hold you & comfort you and give you the assurance that Phoebe is home and feeling terrific! What a beautiful memorial baby Phoebe has and what a wonderful piece of knowledge you have that she is “living life to the fullest.”

  5. Amey & Nathan …. There is no doubt in my mind that God’s grace & love are the sustaining factors that allow you to be able to take a breath or put one foot in front of the other!

    Though so grateful for these posts, and I look forward to each and everyone of them, I sometimes feel I gasp for a breath when I read them. I CANNOT even begin to imagine the pain you must endure each day.

    My prayers continue for all of you and I praise our Sovereign Heavenly Father for His amazing Grace and Love that He is obviously wrapping you in!

    Susan Young

    Sent from my iPad

  6. Yes, Phoebe is not under that stone, she is free running and playing with Jesus.

    Her memorial stone is beautiful and my heart is warmed to see that famous quote from her on the back. One very brave little girl who knows and trusts God. We can learn a lot from her faith.

    Blessings and prayers.

  7. I absolutely love her head stone and I will never forget when Amey wrote that she had said that. It has stuck with me and I truly believe Phoebe new the heart of God and knew He wasn’t doing this to be mean. God loves her and He loves your whole family! Thank you for sharing your journey with Phoebe! I pray that you find much comfort in knowing that Phoebe is where she hurts no more.

    God bless,
    Shawna

  8. Thank you both for sharing your hearts…we have hope in the Lord that Phoebe is truly set free. God bless your family abundantly!

  9. Amy and Nathan, my husband and I pray for you. Our father gives us a glimpse of what our spiritual life will be but we do not know the extent of the glorious life we are to expect. Phoebe is living it now. Praise God for his promises. Now we have to learn to trust Him and go to Him when we are hurting. He is waiting for you to share your grief and He will heal you. You will never forget Phoebe, but you will remember His promises. We give God the glory even in our grief! You are never alone, we are all one in our joys and losses. Take care and God bless your family. We will continue to pray.

  10. Thank you for your posts, I don’t know you but am deeply moved and blessed by your faith, honesty and courage. Rejoicing with you at the news of a child on the way – May the Lord continue to help you with those conflicting emotions and keep you all very close in the palm of his hand.
    with every blessing.

  11. THANK YOU FOR SHARING AMEY.

    I HAVE PHOEBE AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY DAILY PRAYERS.

    SENDING CARING THOUGHTS AND LOVE TO YOU.

    SUZANNE

  12. HI Amey and Nathan, I’ve been traveling so just now reading this post. Love the quote from Miss Phoebe. Thanking the Lord that He allowed her to have this knowledge and to share it with you. What a comfort. Continuing in prayer for you as you walk thru the grief. Holding you up. . .grieving and rejoicing with you. Thank you, Father God, that Phoebe is with You. . .dancing, twirling, smiling, singing your praises. — Jeannie

  13. It is beautiful Nathan and Amey. But it is true what Nathan wrote, “Phoebe isn’t under that stone but instead living life to the fullest.”

    I think of you all and Phoebe and I pray for you all so often and I know our Father is taking great care of Phoebe. Awhile HE has blessed you both with a new baby.

    I am so happy that you both have opened your doors and shared your live stories with us. I am looking forward to many more blogs and I will call to visit you both soon to bring something for the baby.

    May The Lord be with you all and may the Holy Spirit protect and guide you all each day.

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