Journey

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Been feeling quiet these past several weeks. Grief is an unpredictable journey and I suppose I’ve been hibernating in a sense, learning to live with my loss. Coming to write about my feelings opens the dam of emotions and I don’t always have the luxury of allowing that to happen while still trying to maintain a ‘normal’ life for my boys. Compartmentalization is very helpful in this regard, but I do find that every 3 or 4 days my grief demands my full attention and I have to allow myself to feel the pain in it’s entirety. I loathe those times, but feel so much better afterward. Thank you to those of you who still pray for our family and think of us and our sweet Phoebe girl. I am 21 weeks pregnant with this new little one (waiting to be surprised by the gender) and feeling those sweet kicks in my belly each day renews in me a sense of joy.

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

30 responses »

  1. HI AMEY,

    THINK OF YOU OH SO OFTEN AND KEEP PHOEBE IN MY PRAYERS AND HEART. I ALSO THINK OF YOUR FAMILY AND HOW THEY EACH GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY. THANK YOU FOR SHARING FROM YOUR HEART.

    WITH LOVE SUZANNE

  2. Love and pray for the Fairs and the gender of that growing person in your womb. GOD is the weaver of that amazing new fabric in your body. We are excited to be involved in this journey with you, Amey and Nathan. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Pain and joy. LOVE YOU and are PRAYING>

  3. Our family thinks and prays for yours so often! Thank you for letting us be a part of this journey through our prayers! I shared your story at a Bible Study here in Jordan this week. Phoebe and your family still continues to touch lives all over the world… literally!!

    Much love to you all.
    Kristen

  4. Thinking of & praying for you & yours! Phoebe is remembered … it is amazing how some small thing (a song, a spider web, funny/funky hats, a hymn in church, a li’l girls dress) will cause me to think of her … that adorable li’l girl angel that I came to know & love through your words!
    Also … can’t wait to see the new blessing GOD has in store for the Fair clan … the one that Phoebe holds tenderly in her arms till GOD delivers her/him to you!

  5. I’ve been praying for you so long, I feel like you are one of my best friends. I began praying because of your relationship to Zig. He was one of my husband’s mentors in sales. We had the privilege of being in Mrs. Criswell’s SS class when he was a member. He was often called on for sage wisdom. Then, when he began the auditorium class at FBCD, we were blessed to attend that class.

    I have never commented as I didn’t feel I knew you well enough, but I saw something this a.m. on KLTV that I thought you might want to know about. It is a lady making teddy bears out of fallen soldier’s uniforms for their family members. She lost her son after he was in Iraq 9 days. The story is available at the Big Red Box on KLVT.com and under the Matthew Freeman Project. I am going to see if she might make a bear out of the flag that was on my dad’s coffin from his 4 year service in Germany in WWII. ANYWAY, I know you are contemplating a quilt with some of Phoebe’s sweet things, and I thought a teddy bear for the new baby – you can wait to know what colors to send – might be a nice memory link to the new baby. Blessings and continued prayers at my kitchen sink where I do a lot of praying, Anne in Mt. Vernon P.S. I am making a pillow from my Phoebe T-shirt so I can remember that saying every day.

  6. Hello Sweet Amey-

    No one has a cure all for the massive empty space left by the loss of a loved one. I think you are doing exactly what you must to heal your broken heart. Hibernating, reflecting, remembering and the endless amount of prayers are most likely just what the Maker ordered! Thank you for sharing openly and permitting a peak into your journey at this stage- I cannot even imagine the number of people you have and continue to touch with this love story.

    So excited for you and your guys and your new baking project!

    With Love From Washington State! Cheri

    Cheri Perry (from my iPad) 1-888-249-9919 http://www.TotalMerchantConcepts.com

    You can have everything you want in life, if you just help enough other people get what they want. ~Zig Ziglar

  7. Dearest Amey, I love your tender heart and the skill you exhibit in sharing it. Since our days walking the Sunlit Uplands will be without end, I suppose we will meet and love everyone who is there. But I cannot escape the feeling that it will be important, somehow, to meet those we admired and loved. I so look forward to meeting sweet Phoebster, and seeing her in the company of my sweet Maggie, whose tiny body I held in my arms, knowing the real “she” was already in the arms of Jesus.
    And don’t EVER feel ashamed of your grief. We were hardwired to feel it. “Blessed are those who mourn…”

  8. Have never quit thinking and praying for your sweet Phoebe and your entire family – new sweet baby included. I still feel so very sad, especially when I see a post with Phoebe’s picture. That face – heaven on earth. Continue the healing process as you and God see fit.

  9. Praying for you all daily! Also thinking of Sweet Phoebe All the Time!! My 4 year old and I look at up to Heaven all the time and think of her and Papa! :) Continued Prayers for your swee little new blessing! Feeling very excited for you all!!

  10. Morning Amey, thank you for posting and being transparent in your grief. We are still with you and continue to pray for you and your family! We love you dearly and hold you close in our hearts. Please post a picture soon of you. . .21 weeks pregnant. . .sweet baby!

  11. Dear Amey, Thank you for once again sharing your heart. I’m thankful that you allow yourself to grieve. As it is brain tumor awareness month, I’ve dedicated some time to visiting other sites. On one of them, I found a quote and thought of Phoebe and you. “We might have lost her; but she’s not lost. God has her. God has us. He’s just holding us on different ends of eternity.” Praying for you and yours daily.

  12. Continued prayers for grace for all of you, with comfort and peace too. Phoebe’s light still shines brightly through your sharing and in our hearts and memories! Prayers for Baby as s/he grows! Love and hugs.

  13. Hi Amey and Nathan,
    I continue to think of you both, the boys and Phoebe daily. Praying for healing for you both and your entire family. I am sorry grief is so so hard still at this moment but our Father takes care of us and our hearts each day and that you can be sure of it.
    Much love and blessings, can’t wait to find out the gender of the baby. So excited for this new little one. Priscilla

  14. Still think of you all so often. My heart has been changed by your journey. Praying for continued grace for you all.
    Love hearing of sweet little kicks in your belly!

  15. You’re pregnant! What a gift God has given you to help you in your grief. Phoebe must be thrilled expecting another sibling. Its amazing to see how God uses new life to help heal losses.
    Praise be to God!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. I think of your family often, and how you are all doing. I find myself going to my blog list, just to search for a new entry by you, to see how you all are. I am so happy for your newest blessing that God has given you. A surprise for the gender is fun, too! I like to think that before a baby is born into this world, he/she is up in Heaven with our loved ones. So, in mind, your little one and Phoebe already know each other well. God bless you and your family and I pray the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and happy for you!

  17. I will always love Phoebe, she has been a light unto this world and has left her mark in our hearts, she will NEVER be FORGOTTEN. My whole family and I have cried many nights over her passing and we can’t even imagine how painful this must be.

    But from darkness, there is LIGHT.. and new life. I am so happy for your pregnancy, Phoebster is an arc angel watching from above you can be sure of that : )

  18. I was just reading in Romans about Phoebe and thought of your precious girl. We rejoice in hearing that you are expecting a new addition to your family. May God continue to bless and comfort you and your family.

    Continuing to remember you in prayer…

  19. Amey, thank you again for sharing your heart with us that love your family and Phoebe. I think of Phoebe daily and pray that you all are recovering somewhat from your loss. God heals us in his way, and I believe this new sibling will be full of Grace and Glory for God our Father. God bless you.

  20. We love you guys, your sharing through it all has made your family a part of our family. xoxo In Gods time all is well. ” It is well, with my soul.” Remember when Phoebelicious told you not to be afraid when riding in the car and the dream God sent you with her running in heaven , that she was alright. God saw how well you and your husband cared for and how deeply you loved His precious child Phoebe, as you do with all your children. You both are worthy and God is entrusting you with another precious gift. What a mighty & wonderful God we serve! Continue to stand strong in Him, He will uphold you with His mighty hand. Blessings, Bobby & Eternity

  21. Just stopping by to let you know that I have had you on my heart lately. You must be nearing about ready to have your new little one. Please know that we are continuing to lift you and your family up in prayer.

  22. HI Amey, Like Virginia (above) you’ve been on my heart and mind. I’m praying for you and your family. Hoping you are well and healthy as your little one’s arrival approaches. love and prayers — Jeannie

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