Some mornings you sit down with your coffee and your computer, and you plan to blog. But you decide to go and pick a featured image from your pictures first, thinking it will help inspire your writing. And then you spend the next half hour scrolling through pictures of the unthinkable journey, reliving, re-feeling, re-loving and looking closely at yourself with her to see if you might have realized at the time, the moment you were in. Were you aware how very precious this moment was? Did you give yourself entirely to it?
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I wish I could say I was fully present in each of those moments. And I know I gave myself completely to some of them. But I was tired, worn thin from midnight trips to the ER, balancing Phoebe’s physical and medical needs with the boys’ needs, and trying to hold it together emotionally. So much just ‘surviving’ in all of that. The beautiful thing, is that Phoebe was doing so much more than just surviving her cancer. A pure and perfect, deep rooted joy emerged from my daughter.
She said thank you to the phlebotomists after a blood draw, she smiled at people at the grocery store and showed them her bracelet or her Band-Aids, she hugged perfect strangers and told them how her Daddy snores, she encouraged the other cancer kids in the play room. She was on a love mission, that girl. Phoebe was always looking for someone to love or encourage or welcome into her world. It was supernatural, this sweet anointing. It looked like Jesus. It still humbles me and instructs me to think of her love.
Phoebe gave herself fully to each moment. The person in front of her was the most important person in the world. Why is this so difficult, this singular focus? I want to zero in on and love people in this way, be demonstrative in my affection, seek people out to encourage. Grief is a force to contend with, and I know there is purpose in the pain, but it sometimes blinds me to the needs of others right in front of me. I want to push back the heavy curtain, blow the dust off my ability to really SEE, and then give myself entirely to each moment.
An Atypical Miracle 
I remember so many of these pictures…precious child. You are such an inspiration. God bless you…
What a great message that we all need to hear no matter where we are or what we are experiencing in our lives. I love the saying, “preach the gospel every day…use words if you HAVE to”. Phoebe preached the gospel every day to everyone she met. Thanks for sharing her with the rest of us! And, in honor of her and your family I will try to be more “in the moment with everyone I am with. Thanks for sharing!
Marci Geary
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
I am glad you are writing again, and I have to believe that when Jesus refers to abundant life, he is talking about being 100% present in every circumstance. Please keep sharing!
I still think of your sweet Phoebe often and my eyes still fill with tears. She was an amazing little girl on a God mission during her short time on earth. She touched my heart.
May we all radiate love. Thank you for sharing your words with us. Love you!
WWPD What Would Phoebe Do? Tears. Joy. Love. Peace.
Dear Amey, I just had a momentary flash of the purpose that God gave to Phoebe! If we could see the ripples that spread out of her response to others, her love, her smile, her encouragement. It was her purpose in life and she did it so perfectly! God’s purpose for you was so much more spread out, to your boys, to your husband, to Phoebe, to your home. And you did fulfilled your purpose for God just as beautifully as Phoebe did her’s.Many blessings on you and your family Blessings,Terri BradburyBlog Site: http://ordinarywomenamazinglives.blogspot.comwww.vineyardmcm.org
I will always remember your beautiful Phoebe Lucille. ❤️
So beautiful. And inspiring.
Yes! Such an amazing gift. You also walk this journey with a grace and vulnerability that is a gift to the world around you. Love you friend!
I dont think she would have truly shown such a sweet spirit without your example. You were her world.
You can’t imagine how much you blessed my soul this evening. I followed Phoebe’s journey with you online, and even I miss her! I can’t imagine your grief. Praying for you, sweet mama.
As I read your words my heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine how you feel. I can only pray that you continue to heal and praise God that there is more after this world. You will see and hold your beautiful girl again. Grief in itself sometimes requires all of you. It’s okay to not be okay.
‘May the Lord bless you
and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor
and give you his peace.’
Numbers 6:24-26
Thank you for sharing your story.
Well thanks for the morning cry…
Through it all to see the small piece of gold in the midst of the cave of death , you amaze me..
I love your family with all my heart.. we may be miles apart but noone could ever compare to the fairs!!!!
Dear Amey. I know exactly what you mean about showing love. I just told a perfect stranger yesterday that I’ve never met a stranger. Their are no longer any barriers for me. I am a vessel through which God can work. By His power I am able to bring hope and happiness not only to my brave warriors at the cancer center but everyone I encounter. I pray for these opportunities every day. They are such a source of joy. The more He blesses me the bolder I become in reaching out to share His love. You have a beautiful talent with words and expressing yourself. If you wrote a book you could touch and make a difference in so many lives. With love. Patty Klein
Sent from my iPhone
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I still think of your beautiful Phoebe Fair, and my eyes fill with tears. She had such a sweet soul that touched my heart. Continued prayers for your family.
It is amazing…these little ones…and some more than others…that live life to the fullest. No cares…no worries about the future…the next step. It frees them to be more present. A good lesson for all of us. I love seeing glimpses into Phoebe’s world…your world…your journey. It helps to remind me to be present…to love…like Phoebe loved…with no expectations for anything in return. Just simply loving for the purpose of loving.
Thank You. She lives on.
Amey, you continue to be so brave and be assured that your vision “will clear” to see others too. Take courage from all of your pain for it is not in vain. You don’t know what journey the Lord has waiting for you to help others through their grief as well. What a blest person you are to be the mother of Phoebe. You will always be her mother. You may not be able to hold her but she travels will you in your heart and mind.
Praise God for the gift of our memories to bring us joy. May God bless you and your family.
Little Phoebe’s entire life was a gift, blessing, mission and sometimes God told her words and gave her understanding beyond her years. Your strength, gift and ability may not be the same as hers, but to carry her gift to others, esp in your writings of her incredible life and passing back to heaven.
I dread the pain I will feel when I see a post from you. You have a talent to resurrect feelings and images like only superior writers can. You are so hard on yourself, but God gave Phoebe to you for a reason. That pain will never go away because God never waste a pain and He knew what you would do … then and now. Put the pain on paper and let it lighten your load. God has your back.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Phoebe with us.You and your family are in my prayers.May God bless you all. Xx