As quick as she came home, she’s going back tomorrow for the next round of chemo. It’s always sad when she has to spend so much time between chemo rounds in-patient..just makes the going back in all that much more difficult.
Nathan left tonight to stay with Phoebe at the home of some dear friends in Dallas because her intrathecal (spinal) chemotherapy procedure happens at 6:45 am in the morning. I am thankful I got to spend the night with her at the hospital on Thursday and then I just had Deacon and Phoebe to myself Friday and Saturday while Nathan and the big boys were at my parents home for a boys camp-out weekend. It was nice to have some set-apart time with my 2 littles. Nothing warms my heart like Deacon going to retrieve Phoebe’s walker for her or helping her stand up or carrying her water bag for her.
Precious little people…
I always crash emotinally for an hour or two after Phoebe heads back to the hospital for another round. I stay home to school the boys and try to spend time doing things with them that usually don’t happen when Phoebe is home, like crafts or trips to the library. But there is always an underlying sadness that our family is not a whole unit, and often something as simple as finding a random Cheerio on my bedroom floor can reduce me to tears.
I hate that she has to do this. I hate that she begged Nathan to take her home all the way to Dallas tonight. I hate that Nathan had to miss seeing Benjamin earn his first Cub Scout badge tonight. Stuff like that. Okay, I’m done complaining.
For all my hurts, I know there are those who hurt more. My heart is burdened for sweet Piper’s Mommy tonight and the depths of grief she is trudging through. I know that my girl is still here and that my complaints must seem like minutae when stacked against the finality of actually losing a child.
Trying to practice optimism or daring to hope are exhausting at times. I have never had to remind myself so often to look for the blessings all around me. When I do, my perspective changes instantly, but it’s only for a second or two or a minute or five…then I spiral right back into seeing only the battle. This little cycle wears me out, but I have to push through or else I will miss what is right before my eyes.
So, we press on. Please lift up Nathan and Phoebe tonight. My happy-go-lucky husband is weary these days with a soul-fatigue that shows on him. Phoebe is her smiley self but you can see the cloud pass over her when she realizes she’s staying in the hospital yet again. Pray for stamina, distraction, fun, for no nausea tomorrow after her spinal chemo, for her kidneys that are still not great, for an uneventful round of chemo and for wisdom as we discuss things with the oncologist tomorrow.
Thank you all for hanging in there with us..