Tethered

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I don’t know what to say…I just know I’m supposed to be here writing. Two different conversations and a package with a letter hand delivered to my porch this morning have confirmed as much. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding the blog. Yes, Phoebe is at home and life is busier in a different kind of way than when we were living in the hospital, but really, life just kinda hurts right now, and coming here to write usually entails soul searching and tears and hashing through emotions and that’s not my favorite thing to do in a public forum. Letting your soul hang out is a dangerous thing, and it can attract a lot of unsolicited advice, but if I’m supposed to write I don’t want to be silent.

I guess lately I’ve just thought my messy feelings aren’t worth much screen value. How could they edify anyone or be encouraging? How could it be beneficial to anyone for me to come here and process out loud when I can’t even seem to pinpoint how I feel? I don’t know, but then I’m always surprised to meet people who are praying for Phoebe or following our family’s story here. When I type it all out, I see maybe 10 or 15 people in my mind’s eye who might be reading. When I receive a letter of encouragement like I did this morning from a complete stranger, it reminds me that God has used this painful season for good and that for me to be silent is prideful and short-sighted.

So, I’m pushing back the shroud, peeking around the curtain to see if it’s safe to come out. Nope. It’s not safe, but then “safe” is overrated and self protection doesn’t allow God the freedom to use me for His glory. To be insulated from pain is nice, but it’s not honest and I can only hide for so long.

Cancer hurts.

It steals.

It has brought us to our knees and left us running ragged. My Benjamin has a “sadness” he can not explain. My Averic says “something is missing…life just feels like something is missing.” My Deacon has emotional pendulum swings and separation anxiety from Mom. My husband is weary from long nights with Phoebe.

I can see the aftermath of last night’s “sleep” when I walk into her room. There are 5 small bowls of different kinds of food and a stale waffle on the bedside table. Nathan was up all night, trying to help her find “just the rigth thing” that didn’t taste metalic from the chemo.  Finally she fell asleep, only to accidentally pull out her tube and have to have it re-inserted. At 5 am she was ready for the day. This is typical.

The daytime continues much like the night. She is emotional, demanding, asks for 4 or 5 different foods before she either gives up or finds something she will eat. We prepare food constantly. She wants in her high chair. She wants out of her high chair, she changes her mind every five minutes. She wants to be on the floor. She wants to sit with Grandad. She wants to sit with Mom. She wants to leave. She wants to stay. She cries. And in between all that, she is happy as a lark.

And therapies. Four times a week we must be here for therapies. And clinic on Tuesdays and trips to the lab most every other day to check blood sodium levels.

Tethered.

For 10 years we have pursued Mexico and a life of ministry there. “Practice summers” in Reynosa, 9 months of language school, 3 years in the interior with YWAM Guadalajara. An internship in 3rd world agriculture and a dream of pioneering a training farm back in Mexico.

And then the paleness, the lethargy, the random vomiting. The red-herring “intestinal parasite” as the tumor expanded each day…and then the diagnosis.

And what now? What about Mexico God? Did we miss it somehow? Did we misunderstand? Who are we now? Where do we go? Do we make a life in Dallas? How? We need to be close to the hospital for now, but just”doing cancer” feels like waiting for the ax to fall. We are ready to move forward, but how? And when? Where? Phoebe will need endocrinology care for the rest of her life. She will need MRI’s and hormones and DDAVP shots and pills. And that doesn’t fit with a farming life in rural Mexico.

Tethered. Immobilized. Trapped. And no certainty of the kind of life that awaits us.

These are the very real things that I struggle with each day. My life experience and my heart tell me that God is in control. That this did not take Him by surprise. That He has a plan.

But my emotions are in a tail-spin. And I am powerless to “fix” Phoebe and powerless to insulate my boys from the pain, and powerless over our future. So much hangs in the balance. So much is unknown.

So, this is the real stuff of cancer. Some days I feel full of hope and I know that Phoebe will beat AT/RT and life will be okay. Other days I merely survive because all feels hopeless.

I’m clinging to the hem of His garment….the only place it feels okay to be tethered.

Phoebe watches the boys jump on the trampoline

Deacon and Phoebe painting

Phoebe goes to clinic

 

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

47 responses »

  1. Amy, WOW!!! Is all I can type between my tears. I so wish that we were closer so that I could give you a {HUG} and help in any way I could. You are safe to “vent” when you need but I do understand the “unsolicited” advice that comes with people not understanding that you need “Support” not “advice”. It may not feel like you are making a difference or living the life God wants you to…I can tell by the posts that are left everywhere, that the Fair Family is making a HUGE difference in this world….may not be in Mexico or how you thought you would be sharing….God’s will and plan!!!
    Keep tethered onto HIS hem! YOU are loved!!
    Blessings,
    Peggy & Mike

  2. My dear sister Amy, just wanted to say… (you can’t tell, but there is a veeeerrry long pause here) I am praying, I am standing beside you, I love and care for and about your family. I have gone through my own 3 year old having a tumor in her spine and in agony for a year and another daughter who went through cancer too (and the only reason I say that is to let you know of the invisible foundation under MY feet). The only thing I can say is what you are experiencing is what any mother would feel and think. We as true disciples of Jesus put so much expectations upon ourselves about how we are “supposed to” feel, think and react and we do not need those added burdens! When I give my testimony of when my oldest had the tumor and was in such pain I say, “Looking back I think I was about an inch away from a nervous breakdown!” Yes me, the woman of God who was filled with God’s Spirit, who baked her own bread, canned from the garden and everything else that a “good” Proverbs 31 woman was “supposed” to do (it was the 70’s after all). We were taught that you never voice doubt, fear, anything negative (even if it is true) because it gives it power (name it and claim it). So after a day with my daughter screaming and wanting me to hold her and then crying and trying to get out of my arms… over and over, when my husband came home I could not even “share” with him or speak anything “negative”. That little girl came over yesterday with her husband and daughter, belly big with her second, and we celebrated her 35th Birthday. (she had adult dose radiaton and was told she may never have children). My other daughter and her husband and her son was here too (and she had chemo with stage 4 cancer!! and was told because of the side-effects she may not be able to have children). Yes all four of our kids were here with their husbands/wife/boyfriend. Not everything has a happy ending though. But for the joy set before Him Jesus endured… I am NOT going to tell you everything will be wonderful but I DID want to tell you I love you! I accept you and so does Jesus, right where you are today. No judging here! Some people think it’s wrong to do chemo others think it’s wrong to not do chemo (heard those lectures from friends, family and doctors who threatened) but you and your husband have to be led by Holy Spirit and you do the best you can. I am sharing your burden but you can’t feel it, I wish I could come and wipe all your pain and tears away (your whole family’s). Wish I could come and help do the dishes and mop the floors and take my turn with your boys and Phoebe too (if they’d let me). We share each other’s good and bad times. Rejoicing and mourning. My third daughter was in YWAM from 19 to 26 and may return one day too so I feel like you are family already. Sending blessings your way. Love your sister from another mother (we DO have the same Father though ; ) … a heavenly one) in South Carolina

  3. I don’t know you Amy, but you are my sister in Christ. You have to be able to be real…it is healthy to let it out…there is no judgment here, just empathy as tears run down my face. Your family is going through more than any family ever wants to go through. Though there are no answers, there is no better place to cling than the hem of His garment. And when you feel like you just can’t hold on, hopefully many around you will carry you right where you need to be. Lifting your family up to our Father and waiting with great expectation…

  4. I wept as I read your post. Or daughters illness and hospital stay only lasted 30 days but many years of drs. Therapy and is again fighting another attack. I became overwhelmed today as she told me the news of what she is going to have to do again. She is 31 married and has two beautiful babies.n is in full time ministry. . But then God reminded me again….my girl is not mine. God is in control. . You don’t realize how much you Bless people with your real ness. It is okay to feel the things your feeling but you always come to knowing you are in Gods hands. . He knows. He will see you guys thru this. I feel you speaking and being real is life. It does not mean you don’t believe. It just let’s us know we need to cont to bombard the throne of God for you and your family. We need to be your Aaron. All I can think is even if this is sooo hard God is truly preparing u for something. I pray you are getting time away even if only for a few hours. Time for you and Nathan and you and Nathan time with just the boys. Hold on precious Amey. He promises he will never leave us or forsake us. He hears your crys. He see your heart. Praying here in Ga. Frank and Pam.

  5. Continue to fight. I know you will. He will continue to comfort all of you although your family is suffering. He sees your pain. He Will Heal Her!
    Love,
    Marsha

  6. As a mother I can feel the pain you are bearing for your children. As a Christian I can’t begin to have the faith you have–a goal in my life. What an inspiration you are for us, and we love you and pray for you. Love and hugs,
    Jerry, LeAnna, and Jeanne

  7. I really can’t begin to imagine what you and your family are going through, but I hate it. I know that God will use this experience in such a powerful way, but that does not make the pain lessen. Know that I will continue to pray for you and your family.

  8. Amey….today’s words have made a difference in the way I have seen your life……your words have become real “cancer” words from a “suffering” Mom…I, too, have been where you are in a much different and less way. ONLY by the grace of my God did I survive the
    nightmare! I have been praying more for Phoebe than for you….this just occurred to me, so now you will be lifted up as much as Phoebe is. My heart is heavy, knowing the load is heavy, but with the precious love of Jesus, he will help carry that load if you ask Him…….and then give it to Him! Let Him carry you as he promises…..Much love to all the Faires

  9. Amey. All posts don’t need to be about You encouraging others, or even about Phoebe for that matter. It is obvious that you are personally struggling right now, and though we have never met, your struggles and concerns and feelings of sheer helplessness are important to me. I cannot imagine the burden that has been heaped upon your shoulders and how totally life changing this event in your life has been, but I do know that I now have a new friend in Christ and that I will continue to pray for you and your entire family for the rest of my days. I wish there were more I could do or say

  10. Dearest Amy,

    I pray for you and yours daily. I doubt we will ever meet this side of heaven. But God is our Heavenly Father and we will someday, and THAT day will hold only joy and exaltation. For right now though we get the privilege of experiencing Hope and Grace, daily, hourly, every single minute we desperately need it. This is what so many are praying for you all for. His grace embrace.

    Fourteen years ago, (we are missionaries and have worked with YWAM for many many years) our eldest daughter (we have 6),when she was but 14 at the time, was brutally raped and pistol whipped while serving here in Mexico. So much happened, and more tragedy after all that.

    Seemed like we were being attacked on all sides. We were so tired, so emotionally exhausted, everything took so much out of us. And the finances, our marriage, the other children, our
    future… everything, it seemed hopeless. Just as things seemed to get better, our littlest daughter at the time was kidnapped. Would it ever end? This was before the surge of the internet, and we suffered mostly, alone through it all. Please understand that I know that what we went through is NOTHING compared to what you all are going through, my heart aches so much for you. I handled all of this pain so very badly, and made many mistakes. You, my dear, are one of my heroines. You amaze me with your faith and strength, it MUST be divine right?

    You, my precious, most faithful sister, are in His hands, your Blessed Father, who adores you and Phoebe and each one of your family. He is holding you, helping you, comforting you. You speak such a wisdom, you have such a wonderfully tender relationship with your Father.

    I know you all have so many more mountains to climb, but you have your Father, who carries you over each one ever so gently, with you constantly. You said in this post that He is in control, and that this did not take Him by surprise. You are so right my dear. Remember that He MAKES us to lie down in green pastures, He leads us beside those still waters. Those waters bubble forth such life. That grass is so soft, you could lay there and rest as those fluffy clouds roll by.

    I wait with baited breathe each day for a post, to know how to lift you up, my sister whom I have never had the privilege to hug and grab hands together and pray with. So many are blessed by your faith, and courage. All of us are praying.

    Thank you, for your transparency, you bless so many by being willing. I know that is not easy. Those sea creatures who curl up to protect themselves when they are wounded and are too afraid to reopen their lives do eventually become brittle and crack unable to survive the way their Creator intended. You have never once done that. You are like the sea creatures, whose brilliant and glorious colors exhibit the splendor of their Creator, when they allow all their sensitive parts to be displayed. You display all the glory of Him Who carries you through. Continually, you point to Him who loves you with an undying love and because of that He surrounds you with hope, wisdom and grace.

    You are an amazing woman, mother and wife, but more than that my dear, an amazing daughter of the Most High, who cherishes you and holds you close every minute of the day. Linger as often as you can in His presence.

    much love and prayers,
    committed to pray with you in the fray as long as it takes.
    Stasia

    http://www.hope-grace.com

  11. You all re always in my prayers, though your ups and your downs I know that God is always with you and you are never alone. I pray for many blessing for your family. you inspire us all to keep the faith. love Barb from MI

  12. I wish there were words to encourage you, to make you smile, to make it all better. There are not. There are only words of prayer lifting your precious family to the loving God who holds you all in his mighty hands. Sweet daughter of the King, your words are full of faith and grace and teach of God’s provision. Even when you feel that your words are full of hopelessness and tears and couldn’t be of any good to a friend, let alone a complete stranger, you speak volumes of obedience and perseverance. I’m a stranger, led to your story and your sweet Phoebe by another AT/RT mom I admire and continue to pray for. Though you don’t know me from Adam, you have touched my heart. Moved me closer to God and more aware of my blessings. Moved me to a more intentional prayer life, for Phoebe and the other innocents struck with this awful disease. Moved me to look outside of my own little circle and find ways to help those who are hurting. And I thank you.

    May God comfort your aching heart, your tender mother’s heart. May he heal your beautiful baby girl, destroy every cancer cell in her body forever and restore her to the child you so miss. May he shelter your boys from more hurt and take away the worry they have for their sister and for the uncertainties that lie ahead. May he grant your husband rest and reassurance. May he bless you all this day.

    Kathy in Richardson, friend of Stacie & Jeff Smith and the amazing warrior Gavin 🙂

  13. Amey, all I can say is thank you for being open and honest with God, yourself and those of us who are praying for you. I can’t even imagine the pain Phoebe is going through or the pain the has touched each one of your lives in your family. But, I do know that I have been at that road of not knowing if what was happening in my life was really a nightmare or what God wanted for me at that time. I know later it was for his glory not mine!!! I will continue to pray for you all!! God bless!!

  14. Just wanted to say hello! My son was diagnosed with at/rt at 7 months and now is 5 and cancer free!! If you ever want to chat email me! Your kiddos are adorable and will be in our thoughts and prayers!

    Jennifer

  15. I am always here waiting on baited breath to hear the latest news of not only Phoebe, but of each one of you for through your writings, I want to know more, to learn more, I want to do better, to be better, to help more and most of all to pray more and with all my heart believing in God’s miracles…Thank you for sharing such a personal experience…Much Love xxoo

  16. Nathan and Amey. I hurt for you guys, I know what it is like to plan and train and get stuff started and have it all not seem to work out, to have to make major life tansition from what you feel called to do for your kids benefit. To be hit between eyes with something out of left field. To be devestated. I am reading Yancy’s book about the invisible God. He talks of having to go deeper into your source, Jesus, when you get sick of it, when you do not want to do what you are doing anymore, when it hurts too much, gets too hard, when you want to quit, there is only one way for believers, deeper. Deeper into Jesus, the world can offer no solace. Things might not be ok, but Jesus is there to go deeper into. Don’t know it that helps. But that was Yancy’s advice. Nathan do you remember James and Sarah the young WFAers in training? They were at the course with us are here in Bolivia right now. They have been drilling preparing to go to Kenya, to be ag missionaires for WFA. We have been making plan after plan. James got word last night that his mother who lives in Kenya (his mom and dad are missionaires) home for quick furlough has a brain tumor. A big one, they don’t know what kindo etc, but doesn’t look good. I write from Santa Cruz as we came in to get them out on an early flight to go to the Stares to be with them. Their plans too now are completely up ended for a while. They are not facing what you guys have faced and continue to deal with, but it is bad for them, any loved one with cancer is a bad thing. I aske your prayers for them. I almost feel embarrassed asking you to as you guys have so much on your plate. But I do. I hurt for James as I hurt for you guys. Even if they don’t feel like strong prayers for others right now. You know the fear and anxiety they are just beginning to face. Your prayers are valuable. Even small ones. This business of real life getting interupted with even realer life is just maddening. You guys continue to be in our prayers! Hang in there!

    My offer to come to Paint Rock for some R and R and get back to nature stuff, and drilling and fishing sometime still stands. We’ll be back in Texas in a week or so.

  17. Dearest Amey,
    I have been following your journey from the beginning and have prayed for your family. This is the first time that I have sent a reply. I live in Calgary Alberta Canada. Please know that your posts have brought many people to their knees in prayer. I share all of your posts with friends and family.
    Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with all of us.

  18. Amey, I am so touched by the integrity of your posts & especially tonight’s. It is real and it is raw and honest. My heart cries out for you. At these times there are no pat answers and our attempts to are so hallow sounding. I work with Mary at Journey of the Heart & have been kept in the loop of your lives since this all started. I pray this place of your deepest weakness allows Jesus to step in and be strong – in a way you never could -so there is absolutely no question who is carrying whom. I lift you to the throne room this very night & ask that our Father will reveal the beautiful face of Jesus to you – and as you gaze at His wonderful face all else will momentarily fade from sight. May the tender beauty in His merciful eyes wash over you & your heart like the first rains of the season bringing new life. May Adonai bless your coming in and your going out….Psalm 121.

  19. Amey, I do not know you but I have met your kids through Julie and Jim. I can’t even imagine the pain and struggles your family goes through with cancer. But I do want you to know I am praying for you, Nathan, Ben, Averic, Deacon and Phoebe. Thank you for posting they it all.
    Love and Prayers,
    Madison

  20. dearest ones…. We wit to hear from ;you and appreciate you sweet notes no matter what the news your note today was honest and lets us know how we can pray specificly for your whole family. I know how a diagnosis of cancer afficts the whole family. Our prayers are with you daily, with love.

  21. God bless you all as you continue your journey… your search… your seeking…. GOD will answer… until then you take care of your family…. and you…. You are where you should be… where you need to be… AS a mother of 3 (2 that I lost years ago)…and grandmother of 6….3 that I am blessed to be living with…. I wonder what my purpose in life is…. God’s plan has not been revealed, but until it is I will continue to be thankful for every day/every night… every minute of time with my family and friends. God will take care of all of you!!! You are an awesome and amazing mother… keep trusting God and loving and caring for your family. In HIS time…in HIS time….

  22. Amey, I can’t begin to imagine everything that you are going through. I can’t offer any words of advice or wisdom to help ease you through your trials. And, therefore, I pray!!! I pray that everything in your world begins to make sense, that God gives you strength to carry on, not only for Phoebe but for you and your entire family, that He wraps you in his arms and gets you through this chapter of your life! Know that there are many people thinking of you and praying every day!

  23. Amey,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I read them all. May God bless you and your family. Stay strong. Stay fighting. One day at a time.

    Garyt

  24. Amey,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Stay strong. Stay fighting. Just one day at a time. May God bless you and your family.

    Garyt

  25. Amy, I have followed your posts with many tears and prayers, and was wondering when the “reality” of what you are facing was going to hit. God’s amazing grace has gotten you and your family through so much, and will continue to sustain you, but “in this life we will have tribulation” and it can be so painful. I worked in cancer treatment centers for a few years and was always amazed at the strength of so many of the patients and their families, but truly, this is a battle that I’m not sure I could be strong enough to fight. You have inspired me tremendously by your posts. Why has God allowed this pain and testing for a family that only wanted to serve him in a foreign place? It all seems so unfair, so cruel. But, we know that our God is good, and as you said, this did not take Him by surprise. I think of the testing and agony that Job endured, and then as he was faithful, how God blessed him abundantly. I cannot even begin to imagine how you are getting through each day, but I want you to know what an encouragement your posts have been to so many people, and I am certain they will be used for God’s glory. My prayers are with you and your family. Your reward in heaven will be great, and I think of Paul’s words that say our pain and suffering right now is but for a little while. I know, not much comfort considering what you are going through. Keep your eyes on the prize sweet Amy, keep looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith!

  26. I love your posts- each and every one of them! I know I’ve said this before but I honestly feel as though you have changed my prospective on life and have changed my family and it’s dynamics. You are all going through so much right now and I can’t possibly begin to imagine the heartache and pain you go through even with all your precious moments that I know you treasure so very much. You make me want to be a better mom, not so lazy, not so strict with every little detail, motivated to get things done now and take care of my family better. No matter what the hurdle, life gets in the way of what we dreamed up or thought it might be like. I too believe that god has this plan and although sometimes I don’t always like it or agree with it at that very moment, I know that he only hand me what I can handle and so many times I’m grateful to have the friends and family and help that surrounds me. I pray you have more good days than bad and that before you know it, you’ll be celebrating Phoebes cancer free anniversaries and we’ll all be rejoicing tougher. Your so strong and your teaching ALL of your kids such a valuable lesson- family, no matter what you stick together and you work as a team no matter how tough it gets. Your teaching them to be supportive, loving, nurturing and caring to others. And soon, you will be able to take care of yourself too. I’d say do it now and make time but working full time, being a wife and mom I know that it’s not always possible and your hands full but that day will come!! I always try to take a step back and a deep breathe during those moments of exhaust or frustration and I say- thank you god, thank you for giving me a child to worry about, thank you for giving me the ability to work a long stressful job to care for my family. I always dream of these days of being in a family and althogh it’s not always perfect- it’s a good problem to have and I thank god every day for it!!! Stay strong and know how many people are praying for you and think of you all every day and are grateful for you posts. And I know this is long enough but i want you to know that Sunah is one month younger than Phoebe and goes through the exact emotional melt downs daily!!!!! She is happy and then the next moment starts screaming throwing huge fits, yelling nO! Or don’t sneeze daddy, don’t cough, only mommy. Or throws a fit walking into the store but then doesn’t want to leave and throws a fit walking out. Happy/sad, yes/no, I really think a lot of that is the fact that they’re girls, almost three and have such strong personalities! This too shall pass…..all our love and prayers, the Williams family!!

  27. Thanks for writing. God puts you on our heart every day, reminds us to pray when we almost forget because all seems so well. There was an urge on our heart the last two weeks, even the kids asked the whole time how you’re doing. You see God is still putting up his guards. I am sad that all I can do is writing you this -I wish I could just come down some road and help you in a physical way.
    There are now words to tell you how sad I am to hear about the boys being so involved emotionaly in pain. I can imagine your physical and emotional tireness and it seems like it lames you.
    We will increase our intercession for God showing you his view and a hiding places for all of the Fair family in Gods presence. May his angels hold you up and may his grace and peace be with you!
    Blessings, Chris

  28. Amy sending you love and prayers. You are in trenches with pain that seems unbearable but everyday you and your familiy gets up and faces life. A life that seems foreign. I am so sorry that you are having to endure such pain. I know how ugly cancer is and I am constantly having to seek the light when there feels like there is so much darkness. My family loves your family and will continue to lift you up. Thank you for sharing your heart and words….God knows how you feel and wants to hear from you.

  29. I pray every day for the recovery of my beautiful Phoebe 🙂
    Your family is strong of faith in God, Jesus is with your family at each second of day !
    Excuse my poor english !
    God has a plan for your family, try to thanks Him, even if it’s very hard…
    God bless your family, I’m dad of a little boy Hugo who is 3 years old, and my wife is pregnant (beginning of 4th month)
    See you soon !
    Sebastien from Marseille in France

  30. Dearest Amey, so many people all over the world are praying for you and your family. God’s hand reaches so much farther than we ever imagine. Psalms 27:13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.

    You are loved and held in prayer

  31. Thank you Amey,

    My guess is that your audience is quite larger than you imagine. The daily blog posts/updates certainly touched thousands, perhaps millions, of lives. Your honest and inspired conversations kept us all ‘in the loop’ at a time when most people would NOT have been posting. This time at home, dealing with the realities of cancer and it’s impact, is certainly difficult for the family so your post today shared the struggle. I love your transparency and your faith- it really adds value to my life.

    I still think you might want to consider that book!

    Much Love from Washington State- Cheri Perry

  32. Sweet Amey,
    It is so hard to bare your heart, mind and soul for all of the world to read. Thank you for updating us and letting us in, for being vulnerable. I know Daddy knows how you feel and what you are going through and we don’t need to do anything but lift you and your family up in prayer. He knows your requests already. I thank you though, for letting us know how directly to pray for you as this really does put a fiery passion in my heart and gives me many reminders through out the day to lift you all up.

    Praying and praying,
    <

  33. Dear Amey,
    My heart hurts for you and for your precious husband and children. Everything in me wants to find words of real comfort and meaning but nothing I have can touch this kind of pain. But you and I and all of these wonderful brothers and sisters who are praying for you do know someone who can. Oh Holy Spirit You are known as the Comforter and Jesus sent You to be with us until He comes back for us. You DO have the words and You do have the comfort our precious Fair family needs. Oh please beloved one move quickly and in Jesus Name bring health and hope into their lives. We know there is none of this grief in heaven and so in the words and precedent of our Lord I pray thy kingdom come, thy Will. be done on earth in their lives as it is and will be in Heaven. The Lord WILL bless you and keep you…the Lord will make His face known to you.

  34. We love you guys, Amey, and you and your family are in our thoughts and our prayers. You are an amazing woman with an amazing family. Know that you are thought about at YWAM Twin Oaks. Prayers go go out for you and your family.

  35. Dear Amey,
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing your hurting heart. Safe may be over-rated, but it is so very hard to let go and reveal your hurts. Laying your heart on the altar–and letting “us” see it, the wounds and the blood that this journey has inflicted on you and your family, it makes me cry for you all and drives me to talk to God more, lean on Him more ( when sometimes I want to lean, but can’t figure out how the heck to do it). In a way, your journey right now, is your ministry to the world instead of your ministry in Mexico. What your ministry will be in the future, truly ONLY HE knows, but I know you DO have and WILL have a ministry.
    luv,

  36. Amey,
    I’m so inspired by your courage and faith. Just look at these posts…you are making a difference!!! Don’t ever believe the lies of the enemy that you are not enough…that you can’t continue…that you have failed. You have the same power that raised Christ from the dead within you! The extent of your ministry is beyond your comprehension…Like so many others, we love you and pray for you, although we’ve never had the privalage of meeting face to face.

    His plans are to prosper you, not to harm you and to give you hope and a future…only He knows what that’s going to look like. He doesn’t need us to understand…He just wants us to trust Him.
    Praying…

  37. Amey,

    I echo what many others have already said – I don’t know you but I love your family all the same. I care for sweet Phoebe as though she were the daughter of one of my girlfriends. I come to your blog often just to see what’s going on with you all and to see how I can lift you up to the Father, but I also come because I see such grace and authenticity in you. I know myself, and I know I would never be able to respond to these trials as you and your family have. I have so much respect and admiration for you as a woman. You have already made such an impression on me, so please know that it is ok to be real and to hurt. We are all here lifting you up for the real and hurtful moments!

    Much love to you and to your beautiful family.
    Nicki in AR

  38. My heart is hurting for you as I read your post. I don’t “know” you personally but I feel a part of your family in following your posts and praying for you and your entire family. May God give you a double portion of His strength and love and just know that you and your precious family are reaching more people than ever through this trial and as you said God is in control and will lift you up when you feel the lowest. May you and yours have a wonderful uplifting day and I send much love and prayers.

  39. Hi amey,
    Reading your post tonight left me reeling, left me beginning to understand a little of the exhaustion you and Nathan must be feeling. I just hope in many years time you can look back on this period and think ‘wow, we did it. I don’t kn

  40. Know how, but we made it’. I’m not a religious person but I honestly think you’re serving God more here than you ever could in Mexico. You make me want to believe in him and wish I could have the faith that you have to pull you through. I just wanted to let you know this isn’t in vain. I sincerely wish you and your family all the best and I check your post daily. The thousands (millions?) of people reading this are all being helped in some way by you, I just wish we could do the same back. Although I don’t usually pray (or know how to) I have been praying for you, Nathan, Ben, Averic, Deacon and little Phoebe. I’m with you for the long haul.
    Michelle from Perth, Australia xxxx

  41. Amey, Know we all are praying for you and your family!My daughter and I were at the Ziglar women conference last month, you are in our prayers daily, we are your sisters in CHRIST and we love you!

  42. Hi Amey~ I heard about Phoebe through YWAM friends… I did SSTs growing up and “knew” Nathan through that. I have a two-year-old and every day before nap time and bedtime we pray for your precious Phoebe.

    Your sharing of the painful details allows us to mourn with you and keep you in our mind and prayers throughout the day. I have read and prayed for a long time but never commented till now. Thousands of us around the world think about you ALL THE TIME!!! The thinking makes us cry out to God in a continual chorus.

    (Hannah from Ecuador)

  43. Amy – It is OK to take a rest from your blog. You have enough to do taking care of your dear family. My prayer for today is that God guards you from all the presure you are feeling and helps you to heal and that you and Nathon feel the love and peace that flows from God in a special way this day. Love and prayers to your whole family.

  44. Continue to be vulnerable…..We do not judge. This could happen to ANY one of us. I continue to pray & think of you , always. I don’t know where & how the strength comes, but it does….I take that back. I KNOW where it comes from. I have learned plans change. God has something else in store for now. But, your blog is teaching so many how to live again, among so many other things. God BLESS ALL of you. HOLD ON! This too shall pass. ❤

  45. You know, I have thought several times about the whole Mexico thing… one thing I remember thinking at the beginning was how glad I was that y’all were so close to the children’s hospital in Dallas, instead of in a village somewhere where the doctors are full of compassion, but lacking in knowledge and equipment.
    No se que decir mas que Dios te esta usando en grandes formas… tu corazon honesta esta sonando alrededor del mundo. Acaba de leer el comentario de la australiana… guau. Me encanto leer hoy que el MRI salio bien. Oro que Dios guarde a las emociones de tus nenes, las que ellos no pueden explicar ni entender. Oro que Dios los levanta, los cubre, y los rodea a cada pasito, y que se mantienen siempre atado a tu papito, y no a las circunstancias.
    Los amamos mucho,
    Regan, Carlos, Micah, Liam and Noé

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