Phoebe’s Gaze


Caught Phoebe looking out the window this morning…I wonder what she dreams about…



About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

14 responses »

  1. At Phoebe’s age she probably sees the birds and wonders how they can fly…and why she can not ! or maybe wonders if she can fly ! Remember how your sons would ask a question and many started with the word “Why”. So glad to see how tall she is becoming. She has been such an inspiration. Thank you and Amey for sharing your stories as well as Phoebes ! Sincerely, Gerry Volberding


    • Still thinking about your wonderful previous post, where you said, “her life proclaims ‘If I can do this, YOU can get through anything!’” Don’t know if I completely agree, because, you see, I think Phoebe is an extraordinary person. By which I mean, God has done something special to her and through her. Strange, hard thing to think about, after all, because we want her to be an encouragement to others like her. But I can’t obligate God to do that, as much as I desperately want to. He loves all of us equally, but it doesn’t LOOK the same. Bizarre.

  2. Oh the sweet gaze of a child. I am sure she is seeing a picture of the world around her and dreaming of running and playing. What a beautiful girl she is

    Praying for you Phoebe. 🙂

  3. How wonderful that Phoebe pauses to gaze, dream, wonder, and surely pray too! May Christ continue to weave such precious moments into her life and all of yours.

  4. Awww, bless her little heart. She looks so good and has come so far, such an inspiration to us all. Just daydreamin’ probably wishing she was still in the snow.

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