Snow Dream

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I found a saved document on my computer tonight. The title is “Snow Dream October 2012”. This is how it reads:

~I am holding Phoebe and she is a baby. I am running from a large Tsunami wave and storm that is about to engulf us. I know that Nathan is somewhere with the boys keeping them safe. I am panicked, knowing that if the wave reaches us we will both be drowned, swallowed up. I run and run with Phoebe in my arms until at last, the wave is upon us. I inwardly give up. I am no match for the wave. I throw myself over Phoebe on the ground and wait for it to hit, but instead, when I look up, the wave turns to gently falling snow and we are saved. I know the snow will not swallow us up.~

I had this dream exactly one year before I lost my Phoebe.  I can’t help but draw parallels; running from death, total panic, fear of not being able to protect my daughter…

And then surrender to the inevitable..

But then the crushing wave transforms into a gently falling snow. .what to make of that?

When it came time to make plans for Phoebe’s Make-A-Wish trip, she asked for snow. A few months later, a miracle took place.

It snowed.

In Texas.

On Christmas day.

Big, fat, snowflakes suddenly fell from the sky on gusty winds. We were shocked. Phoebe sat in our bay window seat and clapped her hands in delight as the giant flakes made a white blanket across our yard. We marveled. It felt like a personal gift for Phoebe, straight from God. The snowstorm was so powerful it knocked out our electricity and we spent the evening warming our hands by the woodstove and playing board-games by candlelight. It was magical.

A month after Phoebe completed chemotherapy,  Make-A-Wish flew us to Colorado to get Phoebe some BIG snow. We spent a week in a beautiful cabin surrounded by snow covered mountains.  Phoebe and Deacon made snow-castles while the big boys went sledding, and we spent our evenings drinking hot cocoa and putting jig-saw puzzles together. I remember the quiet of the snow. It was packed all around us, several feet high and it made everything still and peaceful. A nice way to spend a week after 14 months of hospitals and surgery and sepsis and chemo and seizures and loss and tears.

A gently falling snow after the tsunami….

I know I am no match for the wave. It laps at my heels every day, I feel its spray on my back. But maybe just when I feel I am about to be overcome, I will be saved…

IMG_2718

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

28 responses »

  1. O dear, grieving Amey, you say things which are so beautiful, so terrible, so profound. So true. How I cry and marvel at the same time. Thank you. Lucy: “Is He a safe lion?” Mr. Tumnus: “No, but He’s a good lion.”

  2. I love the picture of the four Fair babies. I love hearing about you all. I love hearing about Phoebe. I miss her. My heart aches for you all. Praying for the comfort that He knows you need and thankful that His kind hand will provide that comfort just in time. It is so hard, this missing here…..Thankful that Phoebe waits for you. Beautiful, like her Grandmother Julie and her mama.

  3. Phoebe is still touching lives and hearts thru your journals. I hope someday you will write a book because I know it would bless and help so many that will and have been in your shoes. I pray every day for your family. Thank you for sharing this precious child and the love of your family with me.

  4. Dear Amey, I would like to invite you and your family back to Colorado and maybe feel the peace and stillness of the snow and Phoebe’s joy all around you again whenever you are ready. My husband and I manage the cabin you stayed in during Phoebe’s Make a Wish visit. You are welcome to return to the same cabin or I manage lots of other wonderful properties as well. I’ve been feeling a strong calling to invite you back for a complimentary stay, but after reading your snow dream post, I knew it was time. Our beautiful Breckenridge mountains are already covered in snow. My hope is that this will give you something to look forward to and a special time to honor and remember sweet Phoebe. If this is something you and your family feel up to doing this winter, please do not hesitate to email me back and we can work out dates. I believe you can see my email address from my post, but if not, just let me know. God Bless you, Lauretta and Toby

      • That makes me so happy. I wish we had the resources like Make A Wish to cover your flights/transportation too. But if you can get here, we definitely have you covered for a week of lodging. I also have a wonderful contact for great deals on rental cars if you will need one. How far of a drive would it be from your house to here? If Nathan and the boys are on board, just give me some date options that would work for you and I will get planning. 🙂

  5. God shelters us from every storm with His perfect love. Perhaps all those things happened to remind you that He is in control and He is there to take care of those He loves…including Phoebe.

    Much love to you Amey.

  6. Oh, how beautiful!! Thanks for sharing…..praying, loving, knowing the truth which sets us all free. Sweet Blessings. Joan <

  7. Wow, that was beautiful Amey & so sweet. Hold close to those sweet memories of Phoebe. Those & our sweet Jesus will get you through the rough days. Love & blessings, Elaine

  8. Your words are so moving. As I have for a long time, each day I wake thinking of Phoebe and wondering how you are. Each day I lift you and your family in prayer. Your generosity to share Phoebe with us is such a gift and one I don’t take lightly. Your willingness to share your pain and vulnerability is humbling. Your abounding love for your family is inspirational. And your unwavering faith through all of this has been truly life-changing. I share Phoebe’s light and your faithfulness daily. Her precious life and your willingness to share her story has touched thousands. We love you. Continuing to pray…

  9. So beautiful and precious. It ministered to me mightily .

    Love you so much. Mammaw (Gigi)

    Jean Ziglar

    The Redhead

    “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.” Zig Ziglar

  10. What a Vision that God has given you….He goes before us and makes the crooked paths straight…What a mighty God we serve…. ❤ u and pray Is.26:3

  11. Amey and Nathan, I hope all is well with each one of you. Thank you Amey once again for sharing beautiful words about your dream and moments with your family with all of us. It touches my heart and makes me think deeply about my personal life and my surroundings. Iremember that day, I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I never seeing snow that way in Texas. On the 24 there was nothing and we woke up in a white Christmas. It was magical. It really was.
    I pray that each memorie brings you, Nathan and the boys closer to healing, than God can continue easy yours heart and giving you all peace.
    Love you all,

    Priscilla Harle

  12. Thank you, Amey, for continuing to keep us in your life and in your journey through this time on earth. As with so many others, I will never forget your beautiful, sweet little Phoebe. What an inspiration she was and you continue to be. Your faith, your vulnerabilities and daily struggles you share help to keep my life in perspective. Your complete trust in our Lord and Savior, even on your worst of days, makes me continue to achieve a stronger faith. I can honestly say I have never witnessed such strength and courage through such intense grieving and pain as I have witnessed through you. Thank you for all you give, Amey.

  13. Still praying.

    May His grace and peace rest gently over your family as you continue to grieve and remember Phoebe’s sweet life.

  14. Father is ministering to you and this Tsunami will not over come you. His plan is unfolding and His love is expanding. Dive into it. Praying and praying for peace, healing and a closer walk with Father.

  15. Thank you for once again sharing with us, Amey! May you feel a “Tsunami” of LOVE and COMFORT from all of us around the world who still hold you deep in our prayers and thoughts 🙂 ❤

  16. wow, Amey… what a dream… and a gift of snow on Christmas… I love that Jesus did that. Phoebe was in my dream the other night too. I don’t remember details but just that I woke up with a renewed unbelief that she’s gone. I miss her being with you. I love you and am praying my heartfelt requests in the quiet places of my heart.

  17. What a providential dream and miraculous wish your sweet Phoebe made! Thanks for sharing the adorable photo of your kids too. I rejoice that you are remembering in such marvelous ways how the Spirit’s wisdom has moved in your life and in Phoebe’s prayerful life too, amidst your tears and grieving right now. I pray that you continue to find comfort in God’s Word and His promise of hope and a bright future for each of you. Love and hugs.

  18. What a wonderous story! I cry every time I read it. I know God has a plan…we do wonder what it is…but when the time is right you will know why all this happened. I pray for you and your family, but I see God’s grace in your writing so I know you have peace. May God bless you through the rest of your earthly journey.

  19. Thank you for sharing the Glory of God in the Mist of Dispare. I know you draw comfort of knowing that she is with our Heavenly Father!
    We all miss our special little Angel!
    Great Big Hugs From Texas!
    And give Amy a Hug too!
    Melonie

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