I wish I had something profound to say today…I do not, but figured it was time for an update anyway. We have been plugging along with school and life and grief and getting the farm ready for the spring ahead. It seems that grief is one step forward – three steps back. It is marked by days that feel full of purpose and meaning where I’m certain that Phoebe’s life and story will bring glory untold. On these days I see beyond my pain and know that it will all make sense in God’s good time. And then there are days when crawling out of bed in the morning and brushing my teeth is an act requiring so much effort that I almost expect applause when I accomplish it.
Our Grief Share group on Monday nights has been good. It’s nice to be in a room full of people where pain is expected and I don’t have to be strong for a couple of hours. We usually talk for a bit, watch a video, and then have a short discussion time and every once in a while I get to see my Grandy on the screen which is always a blessing. I’m proud of Nathan, he accompanies me and participates although sitting in a group setting and sharing feelings isn’t really his gig. I find that attending makes me feel like I’m “doing” something about my grief and that’s something.
The boys have been doing well, each one expresses their sadness in unique ways, just like the individuals they are and we talk about Phoebe and our story a lot so that everyone feels comfortable to just say what they need to say or feel what they need to feel or pray what they need to pray. Nathan and Benjamin are winding up their season coaching Upwards Bound basketball for first and second graders at our church. Deacon and Averic just completed several months of gymnastics and now soccer season approaches. I look forward to Saturday morning soccer games and working in the garden this spring.
It doesn’t escape me that March 1st is fast approaching. March 1st of last year we were celebrating Phoebe’s last day of chemotherapy. The van was shoe polished with the words “No Mo Chemo” and Phoebe clutched a huge bouquet of balloons as we loaded her in to the car for that celebratory drive home. A tunnel of friends lined our driveway as Phoebe waved out the window. These anniversaries are inevitable, I know. I am just praying for grace and strength to navigate them all.
I am working on writing our journey into a book. Some days I write and write, and then I’ll have nothing for a week, so it is slow going, but I am trying not to fret about it and accept that God will guide me through the process. We have been getting a lot accomplished by way of pioneering the agricultural training with YWAM. We were blessed with a donation to be able to purchase the large greenhouse we needed as well as a tractor which is really exciting. This past week the team cleaned out and readied the aquaponics system for more fish and plants and we seeded for the spring gardens that will be planted here at our house and at the YWAM base. This next week we will focus on preparing our family garden beds and plowing the training garden bed. It feels good to be moving forward with this and spring brings so many opportunities for newness of life.
Thank you to all who continue to think of us and pray for us as we press on,