Thoughts on a rainy Sunday morning…

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It’s true, my spirit has been quiet these past weeks and you have not heard much from me.  A heavy blanket of sadness has settled upon me as I have become overwhelmed and only yesterday did I begin to peel that blanket off.  Too many AT/RT families losing their babies, too many short nights and long days, too much sickness in our family and time apart from my husband and falling behind on grocery shopping and too many doctors appointments and a future yet filled with them. And it all just took up residence in my heart like an unwelcome visitor that left his dirty laundry on the floor and the sink full of dishes.

And each moment became drudgery and the thought of getting on this blog and expelling the contents of my heart seemed like a cruel punishment for those who would read. When you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, right?  And then yesterday’s counseling session was so rich, and I was reminded of His faithfulness and how I need to recount it to myself day by day. And here goes…

Jesus,

You scooped me up out of my mire at 21 and saved my life from drug and alcohol addiction.

You blessed me with a “Paul on the road to Damascus” conversion and I’ve never looked back. I understand now what a treasure that is.

You lit a fire under me for world missions and gave me a purpose greater than myself.

You spoke Hosea 2:14 to me when I arrived at the YWAM base in 1998; “I will draw her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her.” And you did. And you still do.

And then there was Nathan; best friend turned husband and Your selfless love embodied in a man who loved me like You love Your church.

And Benjamin and Averic and Deacon and Phoebe and the dream to be a mother realized and embraced. Oh what a gift!

And the adventure of it all, thank You for the adventure and the crazy trust in You that was developed through it all.

And how you brought us home to the states because you saw that tumor growing in her sweet little head when we could not.

And how she is still “Phoebe” despite the seriousness of that brain surgery. Thank you Jesus…

I look at the video of her sepsis and think, “was I in denial? I seemed so ‘okay’ during that time….and she was so close to heaven.” And then I understand the enormity of Your grace and how it was a supernatural buffer that allowed me to get up and do what I needed to do for her each day. Thank You…

And for how this crisis has purified the ‘issues’ of life. What’s really important is crystal clear and all the fluff can go by the wayside and that helps us live better.

And this new sweetness in my marriage as we traverse the depths of grief…old souls we have become and quickly and this is the stuff of “for better or for worse”…

And for hope beyond the grave, and an eternity with my girl no matter what… thank you that this life is not the only one..and for hope.

And for my devotional reading this morning that went straight to my heart;

“The soul that is always lighthearted and cheerful misses the deepest things of life. Certainly that life has its reward and is fully satisfied, but the depth of it’s satisfaction is very shallow. It’s heart is dwarfed, and its nature, which has the potential of experiencing the highest heights and the deepest depths, remains underdeveloped. And the wick of its life burns quickly to the bottom, without ever knowing the richness of profound joy.

Remember, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn” (Matthew 5:4). Stars shine the brightest during the long dark night of winter. And the gentian wildflowers display their fairest blooms among the nearly inaccessible heights of mountain snow and ice. God seems to use the pressure of pain to trample out the fulfillment of His promises and thereby release the sweetest juice of His winepress. Only those who have known sorrow can fully appreciate the great tenderness of the “man of sorrows” (Isaiah 53:3)

~ Streams In The Desert, L.B. Cowman

Let Your praise be continually on my lips that I may never forget the ways You have shown Yourself faithful….

~Amey

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWuDZ0az-c4

John Bokma

John Bokma

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

18 responses »

  1. Amey, may your spirit be at peace each and every day! I have no words to say after reading your post other than THANK YOU for sharing today and letting “us” be part of this journey with you! Know that you are in our prayers everyday along with each precious member of your family. {{HUGS}}
    Blessings,
    Peggy

  2. Sweet Mama, Amey.
    You are such a special blessing in this ol’ world of woe.
    All the things you wrote was the things we should try to say to you to give you strength and
    hope. We never get the chance because you are so close to God that He has already given you all His words of strength and hope. (That is much better than what mere man can do.)
    So you are always the one to minister to us.
    Thank you, Amey for sharing your walk of faith and pain with us. It is a long journey with hills to climb and valleys to overcome, but our loving God is with you always.
    I look in the clouds every single day waiting for His return and He fills so close. I see the signs and a change is coming. “Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus!!!”
    Everything is going to be all right. Praise God!!!
    LaNell
    P.S. More outbreaks of Whooping Cough in Tyler.

  3. From Kalil Gibran’s The Prophet:

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
    And how else can it be?
    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    It has been a comfort to me many times.

  4. Oh my sweet friend, how my soul aches to some of the burden away. We’re still praying for you all continually. Your lives have been such an example – to experience and feel such grief but yet we’ve seen you always come to holding fast to God’s faithfulness and steadfast in His care for you. Love you.

  5. I cried reading this. Words of truth! I have kept up with your family.(I am a childhood cancer survivor myself and Ashlee Persing is my cousin) Paul Baloche sang Trading My Sorrows for me when I was going through my battle with cancer. chemo, surgeries and just the day to day sturggles we called “our new normal” sometimes is a burden almost too much to bare. Leaving in the dark of the night because of a fever is sucks any strength you might of had for that day. I would listen to that song over and over again.
    I feel I am meant to tell MY story, to tell HIS story, and to say that if it wasn’t for HIS story, I wouldn’t have a story to tell. You are my healer; whatever form that takes, I see now being healed doesn’t always mean taking away the broken, scarred and worn out in your life. It sometimes means giving you the strength to know you are for me, and you will get me through it. Praying for your family!

  6. A friend is going through a bad stretch currently and God laid on my heart Matt. 5:4 that I shared with her just yesterday. A lesson I learned many years ago _ if we don’t go through the valleys then we can’t appreciate the mountain tops as we should. Hang in there and keep running the race God is using you and you are reaching far beyond the normal horizons. Prayers and gratitude for your faithfulness.

  7. Thank you Amey! Your message truly spoke to me today and I wanted to thank you for taking so many with you on this journey! Please know that you are in our hearts and in our prayers daily! With much love from Washington State- Cheri Perry

  8. Amey, LaNell and Jessica and Cheri are all so right you minster to us in ways you will never know. I want to thank you also and tell how much I love you and Nathan and the children. You are so brave opening up and sharing with us feelings that are so deep and private. I have started to write you so many times. I have some of your same feelings but for different reasons. Reasons that seem so minor compared to yours yet they are still ever present. I have so many things I wanted to tell you and share with you but didn’t want to bother you. And maybe a little fearful to open up the way you have. I thank God for you and your family everyday, and for what He is doing for Phoebe and how He is using you to be such a minister, such a healer with your inspiration, and with your words. I thank God for allowing our paths to cross, for bringing Nathan into our lives and for Nathan bringing you into our lifes. This may sound strange but Phoebe is one very fortunate little girl.

  9. Dear Amey, We get so wrapped up in remembering your little Phoebe, and your boys, that sometimes we forget the momma and daddy. I am so amazed by how you and Nathan work together in the parenting department, and with this situation so drastic, you both manage to make it look easy. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to worry about losing one of my daughters, (I have 4), all grown now, but I remember with my first, I was so afraid something would happen to her because I loved her so much I was afraid God would take her from me. I felt that for her first year of life. And, she didn’t have a brain tumor or cancer or anything, she was healthy!
    Lord Jesus, wrap this momma in your loving arms and let her rest in You! Thank you that she is able to be so transparent, and human, and admit she doesn’t have it all together. She will never really know how much her words speak to so many hearts. Bless her and Nathan, and her entire family, and give them peace and joy unspeakable. In your precious name, amen

  10. Hi Amey,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a hard road to walk. It is long and oh so tiring. I’m praying for you. Praying that you will feel the love and strength of our Father and will be able to rest in His strong right arm.

    Please don’t ever feel bad for sharing your pain. I know I, and I am sure the others here too, are here to pray for you and to support you.

    Lifting you and your whole family up to our God.

  11. Oh Amey – please don’t ever feel you can’t share your complete true self with your readers. We love you just as you are, and you don’t need to worry about how we might feel reading a more sombre post. You have so many reasons to feel sad and lonely and afraid, but so many blessings are there as well. You’ve captured them in this post, and it’s good to be able to acknowledge them, even in the midst of sadness.

    I continue to pray for your family, and I am asking the Lord for an extra measure of His grace and comfort for you. You’ve been given a lot to deal with, but Christ is always with you. What a comfort!

  12. Wow Amey – I often don’t have anything to say because your strength as a mother and a wife and your faith as a Christian renders me speechless. Reading your journey has brought me closer to God – my words cannot express how. . . . my prayers are always with your family!

  13. Dear Amey, After reading your post I have been thinking and praying about you and Phoebe and your whole family.  Earlier this morning that thought process led me to feel as if I should suggest to you that you meditate on Matt 11:28 and that you lead Phoebe herself into praying  every day  simply asking Jesus to make her completely well.  I was telling the Lord that you probably already do all of this and do it far better than I. could suggest…etc. etc. and that you probably don’t need this kind of advice from well meaning Christians…then a little later, I was reading in Jesus Calling…a daily devotional book….had not read it yesterday so read that first and then when I went to read today’s passage…it was based on Matt 11:28 and Isaiah 55:8-9. So am just being obedient to the prompting.  God is great and God is good…all the time without fail Love you all.. I

  14. Echoing what your other friends and loved ones have shared, Amey. I am grateful for your inspired writing and your lovingly sharing your faith. Praying for you, Phoebe, Nathan, and your boys!

  15. Again, your msg spoke to me. I too am a recovering addict. I was sober for 14 years and relapsed. After ending up on life support, I surrendered, again. For me to use again would be a slap in God & your family’s face…..Phoebe is keeping me sober. Little does she know the impact on our lives, but oh she will! God Bless you all. Day by Day Amey….when overwhelmed, remember that. I HAVE to or I’d lose it. Her life has made all the petty stuff leave me to focus on what is important. Love to you all. Praying all the time. What a special little Girl. Beautiful in & out. ❤ Rachelle Heikkila

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