It’s true, my spirit has been quiet these past weeks and you have not heard much from me. A heavy blanket of sadness has settled upon me as I have become overwhelmed and only yesterday did I begin to peel that blanket off. Too many AT/RT families losing their babies, too many short nights and long days, too much sickness in our family and time apart from my husband and falling behind on grocery shopping and too many doctors appointments and a future yet filled with them. And it all just took up residence in my heart like an unwelcome visitor that left his dirty laundry on the floor and the sink full of dishes.
And each moment became drudgery and the thought of getting on this blog and expelling the contents of my heart seemed like a cruel punishment for those who would read. When you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, right? And then yesterday’s counseling session was so rich, and I was reminded of His faithfulness and how I need to recount it to myself day by day. And here goes…
You scooped me up out of my mire at 21 and saved my life from drug and alcohol addiction.
You blessed me with a “Paul on the road to Damascus” conversion and I’ve never looked back. I understand now what a treasure that is.
You lit a fire under me for world missions and gave me a purpose greater than myself.
You spoke Hosea 2:14 to me when I arrived at the YWAM base in 1998; “I will draw her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her.” And you did. And you still do.
And then there was Nathan; best friend turned husband and Your selfless love embodied in a man who loved me like You love Your church.
And Benjamin and Averic and Deacon and Phoebe and the dream to be a mother realized and embraced. Oh what a gift!
And the adventure of it all, thank You for the adventure and the crazy trust in You that was developed through it all.
And how you brought us home to the states because you saw that tumor growing in her sweet little head when we could not.
And how she is still “Phoebe” despite the seriousness of that brain surgery. Thank you Jesus…
I look at the video of her sepsis and think, “was I in denial? I seemed so ‘okay’ during that time….and she was so close to heaven.” And then I understand the enormity of Your grace and how it was a supernatural buffer that allowed me to get up and do what I needed to do for her each day. Thank You…
And for how this crisis has purified the ‘issues’ of life. What’s really important is crystal clear and all the fluff can go by the wayside and that helps us live better.
And this new sweetness in my marriage as we traverse the depths of grief…old souls we have become and quickly and this is the stuff of “for better or for worse”…
And for hope beyond the grave, and an eternity with my girl no matter what… thank you that this life is not the only one..and for hope.
And for my devotional reading this morning that went straight to my heart;
“The soul that is always lighthearted and cheerful misses the deepest things of life. Certainly that life has its reward and is fully satisfied, but the depth of it’s satisfaction is very shallow. It’s heart is dwarfed, and its nature, which has the potential of experiencing the highest heights and the deepest depths, remains underdeveloped. And the wick of its life burns quickly to the bottom, without ever knowing the richness of profound joy.
Remember, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn” (Matthew 5:4). Stars shine the brightest during the long dark night of winter. And the gentian wildflowers display their fairest blooms among the nearly inaccessible heights of mountain snow and ice. God seems to use the pressure of pain to trample out the fulfillment of His promises and thereby release the sweetest juice of His winepress. Only those who have known sorrow can fully appreciate the great tenderness of the “man of sorrows” (Isaiah 53:3)
~ Streams In The Desert, L.B. Cowman
Let Your praise be continually on my lips that I may never forget the ways You have shown Yourself faithful….