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So many inquiries about how we’re doing, and I guess the only real answer right now is that our hearts are broken and we find words difficult to come by. Experiencing her absence afresh every morning is overwhelming. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We are blessed by all of the kind messages and cards and books that come our way. We know better days are ahead, but also that grief is something we must slog through one day at a time.

  ~Amey

About Amey Fair

I am Amey Fair, wife to Nathan, and home-educating Mom to Benjamin (9), Averic (7), Deacon (4) and Phoebe (2) . Phoebe was diagnosed with a rare childhood malignant brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor on January 1, 2012. She had complete resection surgery to remove the tumor on January 4th and began chemotherapy using the Dana Farber protocol on January 26th. A few weeks ago I was sleeping in the chair next to Phoebe's bed in the hospital when I heard her little voice drawing me out of sleep. It was 3 am and it took me a minute to shake off the slumber. "Mommy I'm a mean girl" I thought she said. "No Phoebe, you're a nice girl!" I replied. "No Mommy, I'm a MIRACLE!" Phoebe said. "I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE, I'm a MIRACLE!" she continued on. My tears welled up and spilled over as she made her declaration. Phoebe doesn't know the word "miracle" nor the concept, she's only 2. It was as if the Lord was speaking through her like a prophetic utterance. She fell right back to sleep and I sat there awake, lingering in the magical moment. Less than 40 children are diagnosed with Phoebe's type of cancer in the U.S. each year. This is why it's called "ATYPICAL Teratoid Rabdoid Tumor". So, I have titled this blog in honor of Phoebe, our "Atypical Miracle". We are YWAM'ers, serving in missions through Youth With A Mission since 1998. Before returning to the states 1 year ago, we lived near Guadalajara Mexico for 3 years. It was during our year of agricultural missions training in Waco, TX that Phoebe began exhibiting symptoms from the pressure of the tumor on her brain. Weight loss, lethargy, extreme thirst and vomiting were her symptoms. We have been granted sabbatical during this time to focus on Phoebe's intensive chemotherapy treatment and are renting a home in Dallas near the Children's hospital where Phoebe is being treated. Like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe in Luke chapter 8, we cling to Him, knowing that He is Phoebe's healer. If we can just touch Him, be near Him, bring Phoebe to Him each day, we have hope. He is our hope. Thank you for coming along on this journey with our family. It's therapeutic for me to write it all out, and in so doing, I hope God will use it for His glory.

28 responses »

  1. Praying for you Amey, Nathan and family, grief is painful, personal, intense…so real, it can not be rushed, it’s very gradual…my heart embraces you through this difficult time in your life. Many hugs from Canada

  2. I am sorry that it is this way. Love to you and Nathan and Ben, Averic and Deacon. Prayers up all during the day. Missing Phoebe even though I never saw her in person. Glad to know I will meet your girl in heaven.

  3. Don’t even know what to say. My heart breaks each day for all of you. Your sweet Phoebe touched so many of us in such profound ways that I feel as though I knew her and your family. Nightly the tears come, thus cannot imagine the depth of your sadness and grief. Am sorry beyond any words I know of.

  4. Dearest Fair Family, I wish I could give you a pill and make it all better! But we know anytime a family is broken apart by a member missing, things have to shuffle around, and people have to heal. I understand from friends who have lost a child, it is the most difficult pain to heal from. Your sweet faith in a loving, almighty God is probably the only thing that keeps your going. Nobody can know what you are feeling, except maybe someone who has lost a child, but I know it must be the most devastating thing ever, and I am thankful you have so many who love you, who loved Phoebe (because of your blog) and who loved your boys, and are still praying for you all. May the God of peace fill your hearts with joy, and heal the pain soon. May He bring comfort to your son’s, and may your lives be joyful once again. Sending you love, and prayers.

  5. Faith-filled prayers for comfort each day for all of you. May Jesus continue to ease your sadness as you journey through your grief and give you His peace in abundance. Love and hugs.

  6. Oh Amey, your words are so true. After 3 years, I still cry when I think of my grandfather. Wished I had went home to Brazil earlier that year, just to eat his chicken wings naked fried. So delicious. Oh how much I missed him.
    I am aching inside for you all and praying for healing.

    Love you all,

    Priscilla Harle

  7. Amey . . . Grief is something we go through and knowing that their are so many people to support us in our grief is a comfort in itself. My peace I give you and your family . . My peace I leave you and your family. and prayers for all of you. . . Jane

  8. Please always remember you’re not alone ~ nor are you going through this alone ~ and as you slog through each day, look for the little flower peeking out from a muddy rut, or that bird you’ve just noticed which day after day has been attending your yard, or silly chickens’ antics, or (I think you’ve mentioned you have goats?) goats’ mischievousness, or …. .

    And know you are so loved and prayed for. Blessings to all of you.

  9. Focus on where she is, no pain, being with Great Grandpa and her Heavenly Father. Your aching may be more bearable knowing that asset Phoebe is safe in the arms of love! Sending much live and many prayers your way!

    Cheri Perry

  10. Amey, I’m so sorry for your hurting. Grief sucks. I wish there was a way to shorten it but it just takes time. I’m so glad that we have Jesus because He makes the pain bearable & the healing process more tolerable. My love to you & the Fair family. God bless you all with peace & joy. Elaine

  11. Luke 8:48 And Jesus said ” “Daughter, be of good cheer; your faith has made you well.”

    “Be of good cheer” also could be translated, “Be of good courage.” Jesus was saying, “I want to commend you for your faith and put it on display for everyone else to see.”

  12. Amey, thank you for letting us know how you all are doing. We pray for you all each day and hope that each passjng day brings a little bit more hope than sadness.

  13. You are right, Amy-there are no shortcuts to grief if you want to heal. Take all the time you need-my husband’s brain tumor took him in June, and I am just recently starting to have some longer “up” periods, One of the things I learned from my Griefshare class (which I 100% recommend) is that faith doesn’t lessen the pain…it just sustains us through it. I wanted to run to the Lord for comfort, but was like “Just don’t hurt me anymore!” That is finally getting better and my trust is improving…He is been so gentle and faithful to me.

  14. So much love, such deep sorrow….God bless and keep you through all this. I will never forget that God is not a meanie and the courage and faith of your baby girl as well as the testimony of your lives
    as you lived through this. I know there is nothing to be said that really eases the pain of such grief but we just have to try to tell you how much we care…so many who have followed your story. I know Holy Spirit won’t let you down. He will comfort you.

  15. I can just say, my heart continues to break for your family and I’m continuing to pray for strength to continue to face your tomorrow’s!

  16. We lost our 28 year old daughter over 3 years ago. She is never forgotten, any day. Emotions are always just below the surface. My encouragement to you is two fold: 1. Don’t rush the grief 2. Don’t ever apologize for the tears. Prayers and love to you! BTW – I also highly recommend Griefshare (when you’re ready).

  17. We are grieving with you, crying with you, and holding you all close in our thoughts and hearts. I wish there was a way to ease the heartache. We continue to lift you in prayer daily.

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